You are not alone.

I thought I’d share about what taking 2 years away from blogging was like for me. 

It was sorrowful.

I began blogging in September of 2007 in preparation for Michael and Maddie’s arrival. I knew the stories would be funny and gross because that’s motherhood right? I grew up on Erma Bombeck books, my mother would read snippets to me amid gales of laughter. When I was older I read many of them myself—what a talent she was! 

I wrote to sort out my thoughts and to tell a story. I wrote for my kids. I wrote to inform others about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I wrote to find answers. 

I stopped writing in September 2015 when there were no answers, when few believed me, when there was no way to help my daughter and no way out. I like to tell myself, “I was on a break.” and I suppose in a way I was. It was a, “I can’t cope anymore.” kind of break. 

My daughter left our home two years ago, December 9, 2015. She was 10 years old. She will not return. (more on this later) She is in a place where she is doing well.

In these last two years I yearned for creativity but there was nothing I could do. I tried to write but nothing came out. I wanted to tell the story but the story was so overwhelmingly huge that I couldn’t comprehend where to even begin. I thought maybe I could go back to painting but even that eluded me. My mind was a big blank. Big chunks of the previous 6 years (the amount of time my daughter lived with us) was gone. I couldn’t construct linear stories anymore. I couldn’t even speak them. 

I was to soon find out that these are just a few of the symptoms of PTSD.

I worried that people wouldn’t understand what had happened but the vast majority of people I told actually did. I worried that someone would say something horrible and I would come unglued. A few did and I didn’t. Come unglued that is. I explained that children who had been exposed to trauma in their developmental years (0-3 years old) sometimes have been so severely harmed that they abuse their family. Yes, children can be abusive. Surprising to me, most people had a story of their own or a close relative where something similar happened--children who harmed others. Yet another instance where mental illness isn't talked about. 

I told myself, yet again, “You know, there wouldn’t be such a stigma if we could all speak out about this!”

Mental illness IS scary but when I expose it to the light it’s a bit better. My daughter has PTSD and RAD. My son and I have PTSD from living with her abuse. 

What do I want from writing this time around? Yes, I want to sort out my thoughts, a story for my kids, and to teach others about RAD. 

I also write to bring light to the dark corners of families who live with a mentally ill child. 

I write to find connection. 

I expose my story so others can find an inkling of hope. 

I write to offer support. 

I write so that you know that you are not alone.

Triangulation & WHY Mothers!?

In families that have a child with RAD there is typically a situation that is called, “triangulation.” In simple terms, it means that the child with RAD is two different people with her parents. 

The child with RAD abuses (emotionally, verbally, physically) her adoptive mother when dad is not nearby and does so on many levels (directly or indirectly by hurting her other children, pets, etc.)

 

...(I have migrated this post and others to my new blog, you can read it in full here.)

ACE Test for Glass Children

ACE Questionnaire for Glass Children who have a sibling with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) currently or previously living in the home.

ACE=Adverse Childhood Experiences
Glass Children=Children who live with a special needs sibling (in this case RAD) and who are unintentionally looked through by parents who are constantly stamping out behavioral, emotional, and sometimes literal, fires.

While living in your family home:

1. Did a sibling or child in the household often or very often...swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? Or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

2. Did a sibling or child in the household often or very often...push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? Or ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

3. Did a sibling or child in the household ever...touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

4. Did you often or very often feel that...no one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? Or your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

5. Did you often or very often feel that...you didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

6. Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

7. Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? Or sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? Or ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife? Did a sibling or a child in the household swear at her, insult her, put her down, or humiliate her? Or act in a way that made her afraid that she or one of her children might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

8. Did you live with a sibling or a child who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs? Or was anyone in your household a “cutter” (used sharp objects to harm themselves)?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

9. Was a sibling or a child in the household depressed or mentally ill, or did a sibling or child in the household attempt suicide?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

10. Did a sibling or a child in the household go to prison, a therapeutic treatment center, a residential treatment center, group home, boarding school, into the foster care system, or was adopted into a different family?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Now add up your “Yes” answers: __   This is your ACE Score.


•This is a modified version of the ACEs test. For the original ACE test: https://acestoohigh.com
•Learn more about the CDC/Kaiser Permanente ACE study: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/

What is a Glass Child?

Here it is, the TedTalk on Glass Children by Alicia Arenas that had the underground world of RAD moms in tears. Someone understood us, believed us, believed that our "healthy" children were having a tough time. We were thrilled and...guilt ridden. It was never our intention to "look through" our healthy children. I think my mom put it best, "You are stomping out fires (some families are literally) trying to keep everyone as safe as possible--there isn't time for much else when the family is in danger."  ...you can read the rest of this article here. I'm slowly migrating my blogs over to my website so they are all in one place, not four!)

An Equine Gestal Coaching session

I'm often asked to explain an Equine Gestalt Coaching session--here is a wonderful example:

 

I had a client recently who felt he was never in his body. One of the first things he said was, "I want to be in my body. I think a lot of my physical ailments might subside if I could be comfortable in my body."

We worked through a couple of older issues before bringing Rayn into the coaching barn with us. As we talked more about his wish of being in his body, Rayn went from standing quietly with us to a big stretch upward. Have you ever seen a cat stretch by arching it's neck and back? That is what she looked like...in a 1,200 pound version. I didn't think much of it until she did it again, and then again--this time looking me in the eye. 

"Ah. Yes, I hear you." I thought to her. I then asked the client what he was feeling when he saw her stretching like that. He smiled. "I feel like she's showing me how good it feels to be in my body. That it's a safe place to be. I can just "feel" the stretch she is showing me."

Immediately after he said that, Rayn lay down next to us. Now, know that we are in a 24'x24' barn. While it's just the client and me in our chairs, it's not a lot of space and I've never had a horse lay down in there before. Rayn went down with her back to us and, again, looked over at me from one eye.

:-) "Yes, yes. Thank you."

I laughed, "Ok, well you know horses. This is not normal. What do you make of this?" He immediately blurted out, "That I can be in my body and JUST RELAX in it. It's not a fuss or a fight. I'm safe in here. I can own this space. I deserve to take up this spot. I can have my boundaries and just relax."

How beautiful. Thank you Rayn for sharing what he needed to see in a way that would make a difference to him. I know he won't forget your sweet, soft lesson.

My own lesson from this session was this: I sometimes wait too long before setting a boundary (needing to say no and being scared to do it) and then I feel crotchety, mean, and taken advantage of. When I finally do say no, I'm not kind about it. I'm defensive and that feels icky. Setting boundaries in a healthy way means to say no when I need to and then settling back and relaxing into it--the feeling I got when I saw Rayn lay down next to us. Next time I need to set a boundary, I will think of Rayn and her gentle lesson.

White Chicken Red Hat

Most were uncertain why she left her family to strike out on her own but personally I heard her say it was "Boyfriend" and his harem of females.

"He's not particularly kind. He talks a lot about himself and his beautiful white "Silkie" feathers but he doesn't bother telling me how pretty MY white feathers are and he has never, not even ONCE mentioned my beautiful red hat."

She had had enough.

The minute she arrived at the Mother Ranch in their moveable house she ran for it. In all the chaos of the big move everyone was in a tizzy, talking about what had happened and wondering what was going to happen next. In a frenzy of homemaking, six of the harem laid eggs almost immediately. Boyfriend strutted around the house yelling at the girls to stop talking so loudly, they sounded like a bunch of...well, you know.

Watching the hubbub, White Chicken Red Hat knew. She had been all broody with her plan to escape at the old house but with the big move, the time was now. Acting exactly the same as the harem she shrieked and carried on with all the drama she could muster, "I don't know what we're going to do! That was the scariest thing ever! What if...! Oh no...! And then...!" And before anyone knew what was what she had slipped out the chicken door and took off at a dead run. She ran like a chicken with her head...well, you know. 

to be continued...

Laura Longtail's lambing story

Brad and I were finishing prep for a class that another coach was going to hold at our ranch-including evening chores and moving the sheep and their dogs to pasture 3.

The coach arrived along with one student and the guardian dogs were barking up a storm. I passed Brad in our work and he said quietly, "We're missing a mama sheep." Three ewes and their lambs were nearby but I didn't see Laura Longtail. I looked way out in the pasture and could see her standing completely still out in the middle of the tall grass. That was odd. Tess and Duke saw her and went barreling toward her. They stopped about 50 feel from her and became statues themselves--tails high and stiff.

By that time I was walking out because it all felt really weird. As I got closer I realized that Laura Longtail's tail was sticking straight out. Huh. She started walking toward me and as she got closer I saw her udder was huge and the teats were bright pink! Wha?? She passed me and I saw what the problem was, there was a lamb, stuck. It's nose, part of his muzzle, and one foot.

We didn't even know she was pregnant. 

Laura Longtail is a first time mom.

I called our friend Nancy and asked her for advice. She said not to worry too much, sometimes stuck lambs can survive. She said to find the other foot, pull it out, pull the lamb out, swing it by it's back legs and give chest compressions if needed.

I called Brad out to the field and with some tricky maneuvering we were able to get the flock and their dogs out of the pasture while keeping Laura Longtail in. Brad caught and wrestled Laura Longtail onto the ground and I got to work. I was able to just fit half of my right hand inside, right next to the lamb's head--what a tight squeeze! In a few minutes I found the lamb's other hoof and using her contractions was able to get the foot out. With a few short pushes by Laura Longtail, the baby lamb slid out onto the ground. No heartbeat. I quickly scooped him up and swung him (a ram lamb) by his back legs, trying to get things moving along. All I could think of was, "Come on little lamb, please survive." Placing him back on the ground and still no heartbeat, I did chest compressions. Nothing. I tried swinging and chest compressions one more time. Still nothing. Sigh. 

Okay. This is the hard part of ranching.

Brad brought the flock back in, they went out to graze, and I brought the lamb up to his mom's head and she began licking him. This was the saddest part. I wasn't sure how long to leave him with her. Do I take him away? Do I wait until he's clean and dry? I decided to wait and sat down next to her. Tess, their livestock guardian dog, waited with me--laying on the other side of the fence, holding space for us all. She was very calm and her calm seeped into me. Laura Longtail gently cleaned her baby for about five minutes. She stopped to look at him for a moment and then placed one of her nostrils directly onto one of his. Waited. A few seconds passed and she repeated it. She breathed. He didn't. She slowly got to her feet and walked away, back to the flock. 

As a child and into adulthood I've always loved the James Herriot books. Living on this ranch, one of my dreams was to assist an animal giving birth. I'm so glad I could save Laura Longtail. I'm sad I couldn't save her lamb.

Early Morning Sogginess

5:00am. Wake up to a downpour. Think it sounds pretty...

Really hear it. Wonder about the animals. Decide everyone is fine. 
Realize all the windows in the small goat barn are open! 

Listen. Doesn't seem windy. Seems to be coming straight down. 

Drift toward sleep...

Hear the wind. Shit. It's now coming into MY open windows! Get up, close my windows. Dogs don't stir. Even the pup. No one wants to go out. 

Put on socks and heavy robe. Walk around house, closing all the windows, most were just cracked. Whew. 

Go to mudroom to get my boots. 

!!!!!!

I had left ALL the windows WIDE open. Slate (thank God) floor soaked, along with the wood windowsills. Ugh. Add heavy Carhart hooded jacket to my robe and boots. Big white livestock guardian dogs ERUPT IN FURY the second I step out of the house. Obviously an intruder is escaping OUT of the house. I whistle. The screaming continues. I call to them. Nothing. They are pretty damn scary when they don't know who you are. I'm happy about this :-). 

Slosh through puddles to goat barn. How long has it been raining?? Goats are bedded down and completely dry. Yay. Slide windows nearly closed and slosh back. 

At least my worry for the goats saved my mudroom from flooding!

My Michael and my Rayn

Our first Goat Yoga class at the Mother Ranch!

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves :-)

Silence of the Lambs

I expected a ruckus but I guess lambs are pretty quiet in order to hide from predators. On Thursday morning I went out later than usual for chores and found Honey and her twin girls! Oh happy day!

After admiring Honey's babies I picked one up, put it in front of her face and led her into the "jug" (a little temporary stall where they live for about 24 hours to bond) Honey followed her right in with her other lamb following right behind. Success! My sheep are not interested in having any relationship with me so I was worried about how to get Honey in her jug but this worked perfectly.

I had a hard time getting anything done yesterday what with all the oooooing and ahhhhing over the babies. I snuggled each of them for a minute or two but otherwise left them all alone--watching from a distance. So precious!

Last night Brad woke me up after spotting a head emerging from No Name (my brother was so upset by this and promptly named her Suzy) on the video camera he had set up in the barn. We went out to see and found the first one had been born--a little boy with a black head, brown edging to his ears, and white markings under his eyes.

After about 30 minutes of meticulously cleaning this new baby boy lamb, Suzy gave birth to a little white girl! This little girl was smaller than her brother and at first seemed very strong. She stood faster and went searching for Suzy's udder right away but never seemed to get anything from it. This morning she seems cold, tiny, and uncertain. Every time she tries to nurse, she can't find the teat. She does the head butt to the udder thing but then doesn't get the teat in her mouth. After talking to our sheep friend we went off to the farm store and bought milk replacer, nutria-drench (vitamins and molasses) and nipples that go on a water bottle. I gave baby girl a few cc's of the drench and then bottle fed her some milk replacer and put her back in with her mom. We'll see how it goes. Maybe she just needs a little bit of food to build up enough strength to nurse from her mom. That's the hope anyway!

Update--little white girl is doing great!

Zaaaaaaap!

I can't tell if the fence is on...lean over to see if the light is flashing...
and rest my hand DIRECTLY on the wire going into the charger. 

"F*$!#!!!!"

Yes, it's on.

Ow!

Donkeys run wild!

I wasted my lunch break today by chasing three horses and two mini donkeys around a pasture before I gave up and got the halters. I guess the 25 mph winds and 50 mph gusts had all of us not in our right minds. Who the hell chases animals around a pasture thinking they can get them to go out the (open) gate? I was leery leaving them in the pasture while getting the halters but what could I do?

You may recall a Facebook post from several months ago discussing the perils of leaving ungelded mini donkeys in with full sized mares. I, in my vast farmy wisdom, figured it was probably okay. Ha! Not so! Many people piped up with stories of mini mules being born from just that situation.

TMI warning!

Apparently the studly mini boys wait until a willing mare has a little lie down and then pounce! Good lord. That painted a picture didn't it? :-/

So, since then, I've not put the mini donkeys in with the whole herd. When I occasionally separate out the geldings the minis can go hang out with them, otherwise they are on their own. So...how did they get in there?

They were in the pasture next door and jumped over the automatic waterer! They have had ample opportunities to do this before but never have! I just assumed that they couldn't/wouldn't, haha the joke's on me! Every single day I live here I learn something new. Glad I was standing right there to watch it happen and keep the girls safe!

After I got the mares out the boys kept lifting their upper lip at me and then decided to chase each other around to work off some steam. It ended in a "love the one you're with" episode. They each had a cigarette and called it a day.

How to throw your back out with overalls

Carhartt winter overalls are made of heavy cotton canvas. On the inside they have a thick quilted material. They are meant to go over jeans and sweatshirts and boots so they are huge. The matching coat is then big enough to go over all of that.

So, when I thought about this today, I realized I'm basically wearing a boat cover. HEAVY. Now next winter I don't imagine this being an issue as I'll be stronger. This winter however, is our first winter at the Mother Ranch and my soft, sweet, suburb body is suffering. Not only from the weight of these things but because I'm finding they are completely changing my walk--to one of a duck!

I can feel my spine telescoping downwards...