Thank you for your generosity!

We’re grateful to those in the Mother Ranch community who donated in 2018 to my work with special needs families—particularly families who have children with Developmental Trauma Disorder also known as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD.) Because of your generous donations we were able to provide nearly 100 low or no cost Gestalt coaching sessions to families who are financially tapped out due to this mental illness. We also held a RAD Mom Summer Camp Retreat in July for six moms—4 of which were able to attend because of the generosity of donors.

In 2019 we’d like to double those low or no cost coaching sessions for RAD families to 200 and hold 3 retreats for RAD moms. The retreats are 3 days long and held at the ranch. Included in each retreat: an ice breaking, giggling goat yoga class on the first day; a massage for each mom, daily group coaching with the horses facilitated by me; a group transformational breathwork session; all meals; and of course plenty of free time to enjoy each other, nap in the hammocks, or create some art in our big sunny art room. Lodging is camping onsite or nearby hotels. It’s a very special time for these moms, respite from a hard life with children who are emotionally and often physically abusive to their families.

If you are searching for a non-profit to donate to, look no further. Whether it’s for November 27th “Giving Tuesday” or an end of year donation, your tax deductible donation will be put to good use. Every dollar counts!

In 2017 we were  approved for fiscal sponsorship by Spirit Horse Alliance. They are considered an "umbrella non-profit" where people can donate to my work through them, they hold the non-profit status for me. They take 10% and everything else goes to helping RAD families.

Your donation will be to The White Horse Whispers, this is my original business name and the one still used for all of my work with RAD families.

Click here and donate to help more families in 2019!

Flashbacks and PTSD in RAD Moms

My son and I are fans of Dwayne Johnson although for distinctly different reasons ;-) We all went to see his newest movie called Skyscraper. All is well in my world, I'm happy, healthy, and I'm enjoying a movie in a cool theater on a hot summer day. Skyscraper is exactly what I expected from the trailer and I'm enjoying the fun. 

And then.

The movie was nearing the end. Dwayne Johnson, who plays a father named Will, and his daughter Georgia are caught at the very top of a burning skyscraper. He has pretty much moved mountains to get to his family who were caught in the inferno. He's managed to get his wife and son out of the building. But now, here he is, at the very tip top, fire surrounding them both. They're sitting on the floor, daughter between his knees and his arms wrapped around her. There is nowhere to go, end of the line. Holding her tight and kissing the top of her head, he says something along the lines of, "I'm sorry."

Cue unexpected PTSD flashback.

It's 2015. My daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) has been home for 6 years. My son and I are shells of our former selves and Brad and I fight every day. Brad and I are soul mates. We rarely fight. The occasional argument or disagreement but we don't scream at each other. Ever. We've been together many life times and we've pretty much got it down to a science. Boy has that changed.

Our 8 year old son is extremely depressed and is being forced (unbeknownst to us) into a teeny-tiny life by our daughter. 

We live in a domestic violence household except it's our 10 year old daughter who is the abuser. 

No one believes me.

(You can scroll on down to see all kinds of posts about RAD but this sums it up fairly quickly.)

I've tried everything I can think of to help her and even learned new and unusual ways of living life with her--always trying to help her heal. Some things will work for a short time. Some things make her worse. Still I try.

I tell myself, "I will never give up."

And yet...

Here I am, sitting on top of a skyscraper, my son in my arms, no where to go and the world on fire around me. 

Always I am in protection mode but as much as I am always, always "on" and head on a swivel, it is never enough to protect my family 100%. The abuse that is heaped on myself and those I love just flattens me.

There is nowhere for my daughter to go that will help her and that we can afford.

Divorcing the love of my life and taking our son with me wouldn't fix it--Brad doesn't believe that our daughter is a danger. If we split he will believe her lies and not protect our son from her abuse when they are at his house.

Suicide? In the back of my mind, but in reality, nope. There is no way I will leave my son with no protection.

Nothing can be done and no one believes me. I am helpless and hopeless. 

And so, eyes wide and full of fear at the raging inferno that no one else will see, I sit with my son wrapped in my arms, kiss his head and whisper, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I snap back. I'm sitting in the movie theater in July 2018. We are all safe: my husband and I have come through and are stronger than ever, my son is thriving, I am thriving, and my daughter is doing well in her home. I'm ok. I breathe in a deep breath. Blink. Touch my arms to my son's on my right and Brad's on my left. Breathe. In and out. I am right here. Safe right now. I feel my feet on the recliner and wiggle them around. I feel my skin touching my loved ones. I feel my breath. The movie comes back into focus. I'm here, in this moment. That was two and a half years ago. 

Nowadays, this doesn't happen very often and the length of time gets shorter as I learn to pull myself back into my body. I'm able to process what happened a little more each time, to put more words and feelings into the experience instead of sitting in stunned silence. Healing isn't a linear process but instead seems to jump around. I don't mind, I'm just glad there is movement! 

So, why do I tell you all this? Because RAD moms are often diagnosed with PTSD. Flashbacks can happen and it's okay to give yourself a break--whatever emotions you have about them are normal. AND also know, you aren't broken. You aren't damaged for life. You can heal. 

In the RAD Mom Summer Camp retreat in early July (a 3 day, all inclusive, healing retreat held at my ranch in Colorado, specifically for RAD moms) one of the shifts was from believing, "I will never get back to who I was before this trauma." to, "I am healing and becoming a new and better version of myself." 

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, artist of 30 years, and Reiki Master. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one with Reactive Attachment Disorder and one "glass child"), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of RAD moms and their glass children. Learn more at The Mother Ranch.

If you have a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder in your home and are feeling scared and alone, please join the facebook group called The Underground World of RAD. I am the admin/moderator, there are a few questions to answer and then you'll be added, lifted up, supported, and believed. 

Co-active coaching and the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method

One of the interesting things about the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method (EGC or EGCM) is that the style of coaching is different than some. It's called "co-active" and what that means is that I believe every client already has all of his/her answers lying within but often out of conscious awareness. One of my jobs is to assist my clients in finding their own answers.

Advice is easy to come by don't you think? It comes from all corners and we often feel bombarded by what other people think we should do. But really, how often does, "I think you should_____." feel good and true in our own bodies? There is sometimes an internal, "nope" feeling when we are given advice--it just doesn't fit. 

Every so often we end up at a place in life that is scary and uncertain. We feel desperate for answers and turn to friends and family to help us find them. That's when the "shoulds" start flying. Maybe we're desperate enough to try anything and we pick up a few shoulds, dust them off and try them on for size, "I don't know what else to do, maybe this will work." Even when desperate it can be difficult for us to implement the advice and have it make a positive difference in our lives--because it's not coming from within. 

Making assumptions that our stories are the same and that my way will work for you is a recipe for disaster and disconnection. 

So, what does all this mean? It means that I don't "fix" my clients. Instead, the horses, client, and I work together and find ways to tap into their internal wisdom (we all have it!) which is where we find the way through any situation or trauma we've endured. Through greater awareness, self-compassion, and Gestalt methodology we are able to find healing.

What is Equine Gestalt Coaching?

RAD Mom Summer Camp is here!

My sweet husband, an engineer, says, "It's time to shoot the engineer and release the design." LOL I've been working on this for weeks!

Here's the flyer, feel free to share!:

Click flyer to see a larger version!
Scroll down for details.

And here are the details:

"When can I register?"

Registration (through PayPal) will open on Friday, April 6 at 6pm Mountain Time. 

"How many moms per camp?"

10 moms per camp.

Facilities

The Mother Ranch is a 15 acre working ranch in Longmont, CO. Attached to the ranch house is a large apartment with my office, group room, fully stocked kitchen, dining room, large art room, and 2 full bathrooms. This is where we will be cooking, eating, and hanging out during free time (along with outside space of course!)

Discounted Private Coaching

I have set aside days on either side of each session for private coaching clients from the retreats. If you decide to come into town early or leave late, please schedule a private Equine Gestalt Coaching session with the horses and me. You won't regret it! 
My normal rates are $125/hr and $50 for each additional 30 minutes. 
Your discounted rate is $100/hr and $25 for each additional 30 minutes.
Private Coaching days:
Session 1: Thursday, May 10 and Monday, May 14
Session 2: Thursday, July 5 and Monday, July 9
Session 3: Wednesday, August 1 and Monday, August 6

Group time

Summer session groups will be held in the coaching barn with the horses nearby, fall and spring sessions could be inside or outside depending on weather.

Food

A fully stocked kitchen will be ready and waiting for you! 

Breakfast is on your own and simple: cereal, toast, yogurt, fresh eggs from our chickens. 

Lunch is on your own during free time in the afternoon: sandwich fixings, chips, fruit, cookies, etc. Think of the lunches your mom made for you, that's the kind of stuff we'll have on hand.

Snacks, yes! Snackie foods are a must! And chocolate! MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE.

Nearly all of the mothers in the RAD Mom Summer Camp Facebook group have expressed interest in cooking dinner together. Please inform me ahead of time if you have "food issues" as my mom would say :-) My "food issue" is gluten so I understand. I also tend to bring a lot of my own snacks to events so I'm always safe. I will work with each group via group email to preplan their 2-3 dinners so I know what to buy (2 dinners for 3-day camps, and 3 dinners for 4-day camps.)

Free time

During this time you can just relax, have lunch, get your included massage, read a book or nap in a hammock under the trees, or just hang out and talk. It's up to you!

Goat Yoga, Transformational Breathwork, Massage, Art--all included!

Goat yoga is just a gentle yoga class with goats in the barn with you. Some people are yogis and some aren't. You are welcome to bend and stretch or just sit and snuggle a goat. The choice is yours! Either way, at the end of the hour you'll have a smile on your face. I always get asked this so I will answer here: No, I've never been peed or pooped on or seen it happen to anyone (doesn't mean it won't!) It will probably happen to your mat (just flip them over if it does) but don't worry, I scrub them after camp!

Transformational breathwork is a gentle way to get back in touch with your body and enter that creative, in-touch-with-Spirit zone. Mary Kennedy is our facilitator.

Massage is included for each mom! They will be scheduled once you've registered.

Art--I've been an artist for 30 years. I'm happy to "play" with anyone who would like to :-) Whatever we create during free time, it will be fun and informal and anyone can join in! Maybe you'll learn how to needle felt, or create a vision board, or paint a mandala rock to remember your experience here on the ranch!

Will there be more camps this year?

When these fill, I have the ability to add a few in the fall. 

"Why so few? So many RAD moms need this!"

There aren't a ton (yet!) because I started planning 2018, last year and at that time, RAD Mom Summer Camp was still just a dream. I'm not holding out on you, I just filled up most of my summer with children's camps and art classes through the Longmont Rec Center. 

2019 will be a different story!

Airport & Transportation

Denver International Airport (DIA) is about 40 minutes away.

Car Rentals at DIA

Green Ride Shuttle 

Longmont Shuttle 

Lodging

2 minutes from the Mother Ranch:

Super 8 Longmont, Highway 287 and Highway 66, recently renovated and doesn't look like a Super 8, check out the pictures on their site!

5-10 minutes from the Mother Ranch:

Victoria Inn, 2400 17th Ave., Longmont

15 minutes from the Mother Ranch:

Ellen’s B & B, 700 Kimbark St., Longmont

Thompson House Inn, 537 Terry St, Longmont

Best Western, 1900 Ken Pratt Blvd., Longmont

20 minutes from the Mother Ranch:

Springhill Suites, 1470 Dry Creek Dr., Longmont

Holiday Inn Express & Suites, 1355 Dry Creek Dr., Longmont

Courtyard by Marriott, 1410 Dry Creek Dr., Longmont

Residence Inn, 1450 Dry Creek Dr., Longmont

Candlewood Suites, 1340 Dry Creek Dr., Longmont

Hampton Inn, 850 S. Main St., Longmont

About 25 minutes from the Mother Ranch

Niwot Inn, 342 2nd Ave., Niwot, CO. 

Other options:

Airbnb 

VRBO

Staying on site. 

As most of you know, my dream is to offer glamping (glamour+camping) someday. I can't wait! For now though, we offer two options for those that would like to stay on the ranch. There are two full bathrooms in the apartment that you are welcome to use for showers, etc. but you must supply your own towels.

No matter which option you choose, hotel, B & B, tent camping, or motor home, know that we will be together all day and into the evening--we have to have campfire time and s'mores! 

Camping:

If you are a camping kind of person, and would like to stay on site, you are welcome to bring your own gear: tent, bedding, sheets, blankets (50 degrees at night even in the winter), towels, etc. Whatever you'd bring on a normal camping trip and set up camp here on the ranch. The cost for that is $20 per person, per night. There are two full bathrooms in the apartment that you are welcome to use for showers, etc. (Air mattress tip, place a blanket on top of air mattress and under your bedding. The ground temp will be very cool and air mattresses suck the warmth right out of your body!)

Motor homes and camp trailers:

You are welcome to bring these, just know that there are no dumping facilities here. You can plug into 110 with your extension cord. The cost for that is $20 per person, per night. There are two full bathrooms in the apartment that you are welcome to use for showers, etc. 

There are places that you can rent motor homes in the area, do a google search. Remember you have to be able to drive them to get them here! Also, "sleeps 8" probably means 2 per mattress. Do some research. We found some rentals on craigslist too.

If you have other questions, let me know!

3 and 4 day camp schedule (subject to change of course since it's only April 3rd!)

Oprah Winfrey and Developmental Trauma on 60 Minutes

There was a lot of hype, and the Underground World of RAD was excited about the 60 Minutes episode that aired last night 3/11/18. Oprah Winfrey was on board! She was presenting information about developmental trauma! We mothers of children with Developmental Trauma* had high hopes that our story would finally be heard! 

If only it were that simple. We know, better than anyone, that our stories are not simple. Life with a child with Developmental Trauma Disorder/DTD aka Reactive Attachment Disorder/RAD is anything but simple. Even the names aren't simple!

So, 60 Minutes and Oprah had to start somewhere. And where they started was at the beginning. What is Developmental Trauma? What creates it? Oprah brought in her own background of abuse to help tell the story. She hit important points:

• Introduced the public to the concept of Developmental Trauma. Didn't mention Reactive Attachment Disorder/RAD--which I believe is a huge step forward for everyone. RAD needs to be taken out of the DSM (manual used to diagnose mental health disorders). This disorder needs to be described in full and the DSM needs to be using DTD instead of RAD. Therapists using the DSM to diagnose would have a much clearer picture.
• Introduced Dr. Bruce Perry and his work.
• Brought Oprah's power and influence to the field.
• Touched on Trauma Informed Care and two of the places that are teaching it.

What the episode didn't (understandably) delve into, or even touch on:

• Loving parents (often adoptive but can also be bio, step, or foster) who are raising children with DTD/RAD and who no one believes because the behaviors of these children are confusing and triangulating.
• While the 2,000 children at Saint A are being given true "wrap around services" (everyone in contact with the children are on the same page and have been trained in trauma), the families who have children with DTD/RAD are not. We are still struggling with getting anyone to believe us, let alone help us, because there is a:
• Lack of Trauma Informed Care training within the community: schools, health professionals, churches, adoption agencies, family and friends.
• Yes! Relationships! But what about when the child with DTD/RAD is severe and is physically, psychologically, verbally, and sometimes even sexually abusive to his/her family? When living with these children, safety is above all else.
• Even if we had true wrap around services for our children with DTD/RAD--what about the rest of the family that has been hurt? DTD/RAD moms are targeted and siblings (aka Glass Children) as well--they need massive support too. (Take the Glass Child test here.)

It seems DTD/RAD moms feel a sense of...excitement that Oprah shed ANY light on it and a sense of resignation that it didn't go where we needed it to go. This just touched the tip of the iceberg. 

I'm choosing to focus on the incredible fact that Oprah started the conversation within the public realm! I hope she continues. I plan on sending her information myself! Also, I hope that all of the DTD/RAD moms who spoke out after the Florida shooting will continue to do so. I believe that together we can make a difference.

60 Minutes--watch Oprah's segment focused on Developmental Trauma here.  
It's 13 minutes long.

Oprah talks about the 60 Minutes episode on Developmental Trauma
 

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, artist of 30 years, and Reiki Master. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one healthy and one with DTD/RAD), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations DTD/RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of DTD/RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.



* Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) aka Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

What is trauma?

I most often talk about trauma in reference to children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and the families who raise them but I'm often asked, "Well, what exactly constitutes a trauma?"

Psychological trauma is an individual's experience of a one-time occurrence or ongoing condition where:
1. The individual cannot integrate their emotional experience (overwhelm) or
2. The individual experiences a threat to life, body, or sanity.1

Common examples:

• Experiencing war as a soldier or close to home
• Assault: physical or sexual 
• Domestic violence: experiencing directly or witnessing2
• Adult abusing child: physical, psychological, sexual
• Natural disasters 
• Terrorist attack

Less common examples:

• Witnessing3 death or injury
• Child on child abuse: physical, psychological, sexual
• Divorce
• Adoption, even as an infant. (Loss of bio family at best, or worse, the child is removed from the bio home because of abuse or neglect.)
• Neglect: emotional and physical
• Verbal abuse
• Psychological abuse
• Abandonment
• Incest 
• Nontraditional domestic violence (where a child harms the family): experiencing directly or witnessing2
• Medical interventions

You may be thinking, "Oh please, my parents divorced and I'm just fine." Your point is valid--for you. Here's the thing about trauma though: it's a subjective experience of an objective event. Not everyone responds to an event the same way. Two people can experience the exact same thing, one will walk away unscathed and the other will be traumatized.

The more powerless you feel in a frightening situation, the more traumatized you will be. 

Psychological effects are likely to be most severe if the trauma is:

1. Human caused 
2. Repeated 
3. Unpredictable 
4. Multifaceted 
5. Sadistic
6. Undergone in childhood 
7. And perpetrated by a caregiver3

And that is where many of the children with Reactive Attachment Disorder come from. When you read that list, it's not hard to understand why these children are the way they are.

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, Reiki Master, and artist. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one healthy and one with RAD), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.



 --
1Pearlman & Saakvitne, 1995, pg 60

2 Witnessing trauma: The more attached you are to the victim, the greater the distress. It is particularly horrifying for a child to witness violence in any form toward their mother/primary caregiver both in and of itself and for fear of losing their main source of security.

3Sidran.org

The Underground World of RAD--why are we "underground?"

The Underground World of RAD are a group of parents and caregivers, usually moms (adoptive, foster, bio, or stepmoms) who have, or have had, children with Reactive Attachment Disorder living in our homes.

We are “underground” because children with RAD have a specific set of symptoms that make it hard for the outside world to detect what’s going on. Professionals, including therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, medical doctors, clergy and teachers are most often “snowed” by the child. The child looks, to the outside world, as if she were a perfect angel-- while at home she is full of rage and abusive behavior. 

Why is she angry and abusive? Because Reactive Attachment Disorder is caused by trauma. Children with RAD have been abused and/or neglected when they were very young and their brains didn’t develop in the typical way. They really have a right to be angry. They do not have a right to be abusive.

Here are a few of the symptoms that relate to this particular piece of RAD, where the child fools the outside world:

• cannot give or receive honest affection
• often engaging and charming, but only superficially
• false allegations
• gaslighting 
• triangulation 
• extreme manipulation
• little eye contact

When the child with RAD is at home, she is angry and abusive. She’s often frightening to be around. Often the nicest thing she has to say is, “I HATE YOU!” while pushing mom away.

When mom takes her kids outside to play with the group of neighborhood kids and mothers that gather in the afternoons, the child with RAD is sunshine and roses. She waits until her mom is talking among all the other mothers and then runs up with a big smile, throws her arms around her mother, and beams up at her, “I love you so much mommy!” As soon as the other mothers start to gush about how sweet she is, she angles her head so no one else can see her eyes and they meet her mother’s, throwing her a triumphant smile.

In the early days of this happening, the mom acts instinctively and pushes her daughter away. The lie is too much for a new RAD mom. The other mothers are horrified. (As time goes on, the mother resigns herself to this display and steels herself for the smiles and hugs that hurt.)

And this is the beginning of a life of isolation from friends.

This same story often plays out inside the home with her parents. When dad is home the child with RAD is easier, maybe not sunshine and roses, but much easier to live with. The moment dad leaves the house (even just to the garage or to get the mail), his daughter lays into mom and younger siblings doing things that, if he had seen or heard, would have had her father charging back in like an angry bull. So often, he never sees the abuse. He sees what she wants him to see. Later, when the kids are in bed, he finds his exhausted wife curled up in bed sobbing. Through the tears, she tells him what her day was like. He is confused. His daughter seemed fairly happy all evening. His wife is distraught. Her anger slowly fades to depression. He begins to wonder if she’s not well…is that why she keeps telling him stories that are obviously blown out of proportion? Has she not attached?

And this is the beginning of a life of isolation from her husband.

Grandma is visiting! The child with RAD really puts it on for her grandmother and they bond over makeup, nail polish, and clothes. Grandma is ecstatic over her girly granddaughter. She’s fun and sparkly. Sure, she’s a “spirited child” and “quite the handful” but her bright smile and booming laugh are infectious. While mom gets her kids ready for bed upstairs and away from grandma, her daughter says hateful things to her and pushes her away, hits her brother, and kicks the dog. Later, when mom, in tears, tells her own mother about what is going on, it’s brushed aside, “Oh well…you and your sister were bratty sometimes too.”

And this is the beginning of a life of isolation from her family.

Due to the nature of RAD most of us are not believed. Many of us have taken to online groups (and if we’re lucky, in-person support groups) where we can speak the truth. It’s such a relief to find that we are not alone in this life of fear.

And so, Reactive Attachment Disorder remains largely misunderstood and hidden.

There are many safe groups out there, most are closed and you have to ask to join, some are even considered “secret” where someone has to invite you to join. And yet, there are thousands of women who find their way in and find solace in a tribe of sisters who are enduring daily abuse in their own homes. 

Are you a parent in the trenches, or have a child with RAD somewhere in your family? Join the facebook group called The Underground World of RAD. This is a safe place to find support. This is also a place where we will be educating professionals. You can learn more once you're there! If you're a mental health professional that would like to learn more, please contact me julia@TheMotherRanch.com

Please feel free to share this post (and maybe share just a little of your own story.) Make sure to set your own settings for your facebook post to "Public" so others can share as well.

We are getting the word out! 170,000+ people read my last post and it's all because of you! I see your posts flying across facebook and feel the power behind your words. I see you telling others, "Please share, I've made it public." and I am in awe of your power. I've gotten dozens of emails telling me stories like, "I posted my story on facebook and a long lost friend contacted me. We had the best talk, she listened and really heard me!" or "I posted my story on facebook and 60 people had supportive things to say!"

I see you. You are vulnerable, with your heart exposed to the world--scared but doing it anyway. 

Hi, I'm Julia and I'm a trauma-informed certified Equine Gestalt Coach, Reiki Master, and artist. I combine my skills to create an individualized care plan for each client. As an adoptive mother of two (one healthy and one with RAD), I am intimately familiar with the trials and tribulations RAD moms and their glass children face as they navigate the muddy waters of life with a mentally ill child. While I see many types of people in my practice, my heart and my specialty is the health and healing of RAD moms and their glass children. 
Learn more at The Mother Ranch.